Please, don't lose your faith in me.

I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know how well I can do this.

It's so hard, y'know?
Just sitting back and watching everything literally fly past you as you're sitting in slow motion.
Typical sounding, I know. But that's what it's like for me.

My mind works in a way I can't explain. I wish I could. I wish there was a way I could just lay out a map of how everything in my head flows. I feel like this would be good. I'm constantly so lost in myself, even I need help being found.

So, where would I even start drawing this map?
My first stop is usually over-thinking. It's an addiction for me, honestly. Every thought that crosses my mind gets processed over and over again. I know it's happening, but I have to do it. I'm not sure why.

The next place would be Jealousy.
Jealousy and I don't get together too well. It's ruined friendships, a really good relationship, and it's tearing me apart still. It's the ball and chain on my ankle.

And then depression/anger.

I have quite the history with both. Depression led to addictions that were dangerous, but consuming. It led to things I fight daily to avoid, but still miss so much. The sense of something feeling real, no matter the cost. Just wanting to find something to prove that through everything, you're still human.

Anger led to words, thoughts and actions that never should have happened. I've hurt people in ways I never wanted to. Sometimes people blame it on my Irish heritage, and I suppose that makes sense. Apparently, we're all angry little leprechauns. I feel like the more sensible reason has to do with my mother and father constantly fighting while I was in the womb though. That's also what I've been told.



Sometimes people just need to talk, or write until you feel satisfied.
Do I?
No.

I feel like no matter how I try to word things, it'll never be said the way I need it to be heard.
I still feel like all of this has been for nothing so far, but I'm trying.
I really truly promise, I'm trying.