I found you, first entry.

     Growing up, I was not a normal kid. I mean that in the sense that something never felt complete, but when you're that young, you don't know how to fix it or what it is. You kind of just push it to the back of your head and keep truckin' on like everything will be okay and make sense later. Hell, people tell you from a young age that things happen for a reason and it'll all make sense and work out when it's supposed to. I grew up with that mentality, and I still believe that to this day. I kind of credit that to everything that lead up to where I am now, but it's also been a curse. I'll write this as if I have an audience, but for now it's just me here typing to myself. It's honest, and it's truth. It's the story of a girl who thought she was broken, until she finally realized how broken she actually was and still is.

Flat out.

We all have our breaking points of realization. Whatever the means, or however you got there, we've all hit that wall at one time.

I'm hitting that wall.

I am a pathological liar.
I don't know what's real anymore. I don't know if what I'm saying is actually right, or completely made up in my head.

    As a kid, I created my own world in my head and things happened how I thought they really should have. The terrible things, the amazing things, etc. No one could reach me there. It was my safe place to be my own person. And now the consequences are that I still live in this fantasy world.


       I have the intense habit to find anything that could possibly be wrong, and dwell in it.
I'm so good at preaching to others on how to make things better, but hell, I can't even listen to my own fucking advice. All I've ever known was hurt, so why run from what I know?
It's gotten to the point to where I don't even know if what I say is wrong, is actually what's bothering me. I really have no idea.

   I get addicted too easily. To anyone and anything.
I NEED people to show me they care. And when they don't, I get unbelievably jealous. I start feeling like there has got to be something wrong with me. Like they can finally see how fucked up my mind is, and they run like everyone else has. Until a few years ago, I didn't have solid, loving friends like this. Is it wrong of me want them to show me love? No. Is it wrong that I thrive on it? Yes. Absolutely.

I don't know what the point of this is.
Maybe I'm just trying to put everything out so I can see what I'm really thinking.
This isn't what I wanted to say by any means.
Maybe nothing is wrong at all, and my mind is making me think something is.
The bottom line is, I don't know what's real.
I don't fucking know.

Right now, all I want is for some one to lay with me.
It's silly, and stupid. I know. But it actually makes me feel safer. It keeps my mind away from things.

I can't do this anymore.
I'm gone.

Alright.

Although this is brief, I've been needing to share this for a bit now. No one will read this, and that's okay. It's just me, in my room facing this computer screen. I'm okay with this.

On July 23rd, I threw away one of the last prominent anchors from my past.
If I so wished, I could easily go out and find it. It isn't too far.
But it's far enough away to be out of my grasp, but unfortunately never out of my mind.
The scars it left, mentally, emotionally, and physically will never be fully gone
But again, I'm okay with that.
It keeps me grounded.
It's something that keeps me humble.
It reminds me that I'm nothing but human, and that's something I need to never forget.

Remembering that I'm nothing but human is something I forget a lot.
I try to take on absolutely everything all at once,
And then I wonder why I'm stressed out.
Go figure, huh?

On July 23rd, One of my best friends threw something away as well.
Same story, different pen.
She let go of the beginning of it all.
I couldn't be more proud of her.
I really hope she knows that.

I'm not trying to write this in a professional manner.
I'm just saying what I need to say in the way I think it should be said.
Short, simple, and to the point.

My support system is scattered around me, both close and thousands of miles away.
I've found the one place I can feel somewhat safe, even for a little while.
No one can take that from me.

What I did was not something to boast about.
Nor is it something to keep locked away.
It's something that every person who struggles with needs to eventually do.
It's finally letting go.
I'm finally letting go.

Planets are moving at the speed of light

"Plan for you, hope for us."

As ashes burn and shoot into the air
Like fireworks on display
When I find you, and you find me
This will all make sense, finally

If it's my turn to speak, I'll say I'm still not alright
But still, I'll be alright eventually
And if I still seem too weak,
I've grown strong enough to know differently

Even if this still hurts
Or if the dreams get worse
Let it wash away with the weather

It'll be alright
I promise it'll be okay
Just call me out and we can do this together

Please, don't lose your faith in me.

I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know how well I can do this.

It's so hard, y'know?
Just sitting back and watching everything literally fly past you as you're sitting in slow motion.
Typical sounding, I know. But that's what it's like for me.

My mind works in a way I can't explain. I wish I could. I wish there was a way I could just lay out a map of how everything in my head flows. I feel like this would be good. I'm constantly so lost in myself, even I need help being found.

So, where would I even start drawing this map?
My first stop is usually over-thinking. It's an addiction for me, honestly. Every thought that crosses my mind gets processed over and over again. I know it's happening, but I have to do it. I'm not sure why.

The next place would be Jealousy.
Jealousy and I don't get together too well. It's ruined friendships, a really good relationship, and it's tearing me apart still. It's the ball and chain on my ankle.

And then depression/anger.

I have quite the history with both. Depression led to addictions that were dangerous, but consuming. It led to things I fight daily to avoid, but still miss so much. The sense of something feeling real, no matter the cost. Just wanting to find something to prove that through everything, you're still human.

Anger led to words, thoughts and actions that never should have happened. I've hurt people in ways I never wanted to. Sometimes people blame it on my Irish heritage, and I suppose that makes sense. Apparently, we're all angry little leprechauns. I feel like the more sensible reason has to do with my mother and father constantly fighting while I was in the womb though. That's also what I've been told.



Sometimes people just need to talk, or write until you feel satisfied.
Do I?
No.

I feel like no matter how I try to word things, it'll never be said the way I need it to be heard.
I still feel like all of this has been for nothing so far, but I'm trying.
I really truly promise, I'm trying.

Day 1.

(posted 1/5/11)


I've been fighting sleep for months now.

I'll get to the point where I'm just getting back into my normal sleeping schedule, and then I'm right back to being up till 7-8 in the morning listen to the birds obnoxiously loud chirps. Example A, right now. It's 7:07 am. Joyous. Granted I could most definitely sleep right now, it's the fact that it took this long to get to this point in the first place. Oh well I suppose. I'm alright with it, for now.

I'm a typical teenager turning adult. I'm headed into college, desperately look for work, and wishing I had a car. I'm trying to figure out who I am, even though I'll swear I've got it figured out. Young me 3-4 years ago would be saying "What the hell" right about now. I promised myself I'd have it all figured out by now. I'd be getting ready to move into the city with someone I loved, I'd be starting my life in the music scene, and I'd be happy. But no. I'm not even close. But for now, that's alright.

I have these people that I cling to like a sock on a freshly dried, very static-y blanket. They are my life. My uncle has warned me that addiction runs in the family. Sometimes I swear they're what I'm addicted to. I never felt the love from my family that I wanted. I've always sought it out from my friends. My life has turned into this game of "The more they trust me, the more they need me, the longer they'll care, the longer I'll be around". I've lost a lot of friend's because of this deadly cycle, but that's life.

I'm at this point where I have at least 3 very solid friendships with 3 very solid people. They know my life better than I do sometimes. I've gotten the friendships I've always wanted from these people. The problem? It's not enough. I've always felt that you can never compliment your friends enough. I'm greedy in this subject and I know it. It's silly, really - The attention I crave. But I have stage fright. Figure it out.

I'm stuck in this mind set that has me falling farther and farther away from where I want to be. But this is just the beginning of our trip.

For now, join me in my world for a little while. Maybe I can finally explain how it goes.

The beginning.

So, here I am. Not to be known, only to be heard; Appreciated.

I don't really understand where I've been, where I'm at or where I'm going. I do know however know that I have plenty of things to say, but no way to really express them.

I'll start this the way I want you to see it.

By no means am I writing to gather sympathy. I am writing this because I need to. I need to voice myself, even if it means I post on this painfully cliché blog.

I'm human with terribly real human emotions and reactions. I make human decisions which almost always leads me to human mistakes. Get the hint yet? I'm going to write this how I want to and say what I need to. Done.