Day 1.

(posted 1/5/11)


I've been fighting sleep for months now.

I'll get to the point where I'm just getting back into my normal sleeping schedule, and then I'm right back to being up till 7-8 in the morning listen to the birds obnoxiously loud chirps. Example A, right now. It's 7:07 am. Joyous. Granted I could most definitely sleep right now, it's the fact that it took this long to get to this point in the first place. Oh well I suppose. I'm alright with it, for now.

I'm a typical teenager turning adult. I'm headed into college, desperately look for work, and wishing I had a car. I'm trying to figure out who I am, even though I'll swear I've got it figured out. Young me 3-4 years ago would be saying "What the hell" right about now. I promised myself I'd have it all figured out by now. I'd be getting ready to move into the city with someone I loved, I'd be starting my life in the music scene, and I'd be happy. But no. I'm not even close. But for now, that's alright.

I have these people that I cling to like a sock on a freshly dried, very static-y blanket. They are my life. My uncle has warned me that addiction runs in the family. Sometimes I swear they're what I'm addicted to. I never felt the love from my family that I wanted. I've always sought it out from my friends. My life has turned into this game of "The more they trust me, the more they need me, the longer they'll care, the longer I'll be around". I've lost a lot of friend's because of this deadly cycle, but that's life.

I'm at this point where I have at least 3 very solid friendships with 3 very solid people. They know my life better than I do sometimes. I've gotten the friendships I've always wanted from these people. The problem? It's not enough. I've always felt that you can never compliment your friends enough. I'm greedy in this subject and I know it. It's silly, really - The attention I crave. But I have stage fright. Figure it out.

I'm stuck in this mind set that has me falling farther and farther away from where I want to be. But this is just the beginning of our trip.

For now, join me in my world for a little while. Maybe I can finally explain how it goes.

The beginning.

So, here I am. Not to be known, only to be heard; Appreciated.

I don't really understand where I've been, where I'm at or where I'm going. I do know however know that I have plenty of things to say, but no way to really express them.

I'll start this the way I want you to see it.

By no means am I writing to gather sympathy. I am writing this because I need to. I need to voice myself, even if it means I post on this painfully cliché blog.

I'm human with terribly real human emotions and reactions. I make human decisions which almost always leads me to human mistakes. Get the hint yet? I'm going to write this how I want to and say what I need to. Done.